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Doctors Coax Man's Body to Grow New Brain
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WASHINGTON, D.C. - An experiment at the National Institutes of Health marks the first attempt to get the body to grow its own brain replacement. It's called Cognitive Angiogenesis, a field that has no less ambitious a goal than to eliminate idiocy as we know it. "No matter what you teach some people," explained Dr. Ryan Winge of NIH, "They are still functionally 'ignorant'. While this has been attributed to laziness or poor teaching, we now know that more often than not, the subject simply has a poorly formed brain. Terry is a shining example of what CA can accomplish."

"Before my new brain developed, I was a real boob."
-- 'Terry', Cognitive Angiogenesis test subject
Terry is the subject of the NIH experiment. The FDA granted a limited, one-time allowance for a human trial, due largely to Terry's deficiencies prior to the therapy. "Before my new brain developed, I was a real boob," admitted Terry, "I called my wife 'puddin pop', I watched professional wrestling, I was even a NASCAR fan. Can you believe it, NASCAR?" After several weeks of 'training' his new brain, Terry now says, "I actually feel alive for the first time. Today, I took apart an Oreo and licked the cream off. And I feel like I can do even more."

It's an evolution that Dr. Winge, NIH angiogenesis research director, characterizes as going from hype to hope. "There definitely is a renewed interest in life in the subject," he said. This time around, "He's moved from the idea that life is basically about getting drunk and watching inappropriate videos, and now he's appreciating the more important things. Like golf. Though he still doesn't play a very good game. It was unrealistic to expect that."

In the late 1990s, scientists tried inserting a Parietal Annex Device (PAD) into patients with particularly low IQ and/or severely limited social skills. That proved too simplistic: When new habits grew, they tended to be weak and sickly. The subjects often turned to disco and grotesque medallions in an effort to channel their new-found 'cool'.

So instead of trying to manipulate the mechanics of the existing brain, there's a new focus on tossing out the existing structure and simply rebuilding a new, stable brain in a controlled matrix, letting the body finish the job naturally. "Terry shows that we are definitely on the right course," beamed Winge.
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