REDMOND, Washington - Carrying the "Security First" baton handed him by former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, current CEO Steve Ballmer enthusiastically announced the availability of Windows 2015 Service Pack 2. "Win15SP2 marks a new line in the sand against those that would exploit a Windows-powered PC," shouted Ballmer, "Hackers have already infiltrated the Longhorn code, we know that. So rather than try to iron-plate the current batch, we're being pro-active. I've told our teams, 'Don't just think outside the box! Burn the box!' And Win15SP2 is the result." Available as a free download, Win15SP2 patches security holes expected to crop up in Windows 2015.

Among the potential exploits the Service Pack addresses are:

• Temporal Harmonic Under-Clocking Exploit
• COBOL.NET backdoor vulnerability
• Internet Explorer 9.0 Matter Replicator Impersonation Exploit
• Force-Feedback Pointing Device Cyclic Attack

"We're not trying to give the hackers a shopping list here," cautioned Ballmer, "So we're not revealing every hole we expect to have. But these are the ones that we're sure will be on people's minds and we want them to be assured we're taking it very seriously."

PC review magazines have lauded the move. "Microsoft has again shown us that they mean business when it comes to security," gushed PC Magazine, "We recommend everyone reading this article start looking into how to apply this patch successfully and cleanly." But finding such information may prove to be difficult, as the patch will only apply on machines already running Windows 2015, not due to be published until 2017, and indeed not even slated for development before 2010. "I downloaded the patch -- all 22 gigabytes -- but when I tried to run it, it said, 'Unable to connect to Neural.NET. Axon server unstable or missing. Try again?' Of course, trying again just brings up the same error."

"If it could be installed," defended Windows Magazine, "It would give the hackers exactly what they need. This is a perfect strategy. Buy Windows!"
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