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Bentinel Welcomes 7lb, 1oz Staff Member
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COLUMBUS, Ohio - The downtown offices of The Bentinel were abuzz today over the news of a new employee, the first in the fledgling publication's history. "To many of us, it was a surprise," said one Bentinel staffer that refused to give his name, "Particularly in view of her... maturity." At issue is the employee's age. At approximately 16 hours, she is the youngest serving co-editor in the satire community. "She'll burn out in a week," said Brendan Alexander, the five-month-old editor of, "Look at her! You think some stinky, smelly girl is gonna compete in this man's world?"

In fairness, any alleged "stink" is largely due to problems not of her own making. "Sierra is a newborn baby, and newborns have an odor all their own," explained Dr. Weatherby, attending physician, "It is more attributable to the manner in which they enter the world than to any failure in hygiene. Personally, I wouldn't call it a stink, per se." Lorrie Murtin served as doula during the delivery. (Doula comes to English via the Greek 'doula', meaning 'Woman who causes another woman pain, for profit') "This was a fairly standard delivery," said Murtin, "Except for the bit about forcing her to sign the non-compete form and the employee contract. She is getting a nice signing bonus, though, the best I've ever seen for a newborn."

Observers are watching the Bentinel situation play out, since its implications go far beyond news satire. "What's to stop CNN, MSNBC, or Fox News from breeding their own correspondents?" asked one media insider, "With the ability to 'get them while they're young', there's no limit to what a media company might do in terms of spin mastering." Others simply see the Bentinel's move as a familiar one among family-owned businesses. "What farm doesn't put their kids into the field as soon as they can lift a hoe?" remarked one Columbus resident, "Can sheep herding, hotdog vending, or satire writing really be that different?"

The legalities of hiring newborns may be debated, and honest men may disagree, but one thing is certain. The lives of the Bentinel family have certainly been enriched, and will surely continue to be so for long into the future.
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