The Bentinel Logo Home | FAQ | Links | Book (New!) | Archive
Google
    Web TheBentinel.com
Bending the truth to fit the facts!
-- Clean, family-friendly news satire and parody --
 

Home

FAQ

Links

Book (New!)

Archive

RSS feed for The Bentinel




Let us send you an email when a new story is published! Enter your email address above and press Alert Me!
privacy policy


Did you know?
Reagan's Face in Scratch-Off Lottery Ticket Tells Woman "Vote Republican"
(email to a friend)

ALLAMUCHY, New Jersey - Gretchen Fundy played her weekly scratch-off lottery ticket Wednesday, but she never got to see what she won. "I took my lucky Troll and started scratching the ticket with his feet, as usual," reported the 73-year-old woman, "And just as I was scratching off the Prize Bonanza Doubler space -- I always scratch that first so I can get excited about a double-prize -- I looked down and just screamed! The scratches left the spitting image of Ronald Reagan in 'Cattle Queen of Montana'. I couldn't believe it. As I stared at it, I heard his voice saying, 'Well Gretchen, you go out there and vote Republican, now. Ya hear?' And I will!"

"I'll never scratch it off. How could I?"
-- Gretchen Fundy, Ticket Holder
"She was always a big fan of President Reagan, I mean, even when he wasn't called that, because he wasn't one yet. A President, that is. I'm a little nervous," said Fundy's live-in niece, Rachel Fundy. Rachel bought the ticket for Fundy when she had gone out for bread, butter sticks, and a box of Pop-Tarts from a 7-11. "They cost a little more there, but they sell Aunt Gretchie's lottery there, and it's easier to get it all in one stop," Rachel explained, "I picked that ticket for her special. The clerk tried to sell me one of them 'Jersey Jackpot's, but I just knew I ought to buy the 'Miner's Challenge'. I'm so glad I did!"

"It's telling that people only see things like this in ways familiar to them," said Professor Alton Wycliff, Director of the Center for Paranormal Research, "No Buddhist ever sees Jesus in a tub of butter, and no American Christian ever sees a truly Jewish Mary in a paint stain. People see what they expect to see. Our research has shown that most people that have one paranormal experience tend to have more than one. Is that because Jesus, Mary, and Reagan seek these people out? That would be one explanation, but not the one I would favor."

Asked if she thinks the ticket is a winner, Fundy replied, "Of course it is! The Gipper wouldn't show himself on a loser, would he? I know it's a winner, but I'll never scratch it off. How could I? I'll add it to my collection." Fundy also has a rock that looks like Elvis and a garden trowel with dirt forming the words 'I am the way'.
(email to a friend)


TOP STORIES
   





Looking for the best web site in the whole world? Look no further than ZachsWorld.org! Loonwatch Islamophobia Ilisha, a site exposing the lies about Islam and Muslims. Do you think you have a Russian Girlfriend? Think again! Are you looking for a family portrait or wedding photographer in Dallas, Texas? Images by Andi is here for you! Looking for gently-used, cheap, tax-free cigarettes? They're available here. In the market for Weber Grills? This site has 'em. Are you addicted to sugar? Then you could use Self-Help for Sugar Addiction. Like movies? Check out these Movie Trailers. Down on your luck? Perhaps you'll need some Prescription Drugs Online. If that doesn't help, maybe you'll just stay home and Download movies. With the money you save on popcorn, you can play at this online casino . If you're driven into Drug Abuse, this site has the answer. Like jokes? Visit The Joke Teller Web Site! Like games or programs? Go to Josef's site!

Copyright 2003-2004, The Bentinel (http://TheBentinel.com), All Rights Reserved