WASHINGTON, D.C. - FBI Director Robert Mueller announced Sunday a sweeping program to bring an end to complaints about political matters by those who do not themselves vote. "We've had access to voter registration information for decades," said Mueller, "But not before the Patriot Act and other file-opening programs created in the wake of 911 have we been able to actually tie individuals directly to their voter record. With electronic voting now the rule, we can pinpoint the non-voting complainers in under a second, with 99.99% accuracy." Mueller indicated that early violators of the "Poll Up or Shut Up" initiative will be made examples of. "We now have the means," he explained, "We could only lack the will. And I assure, there is no lack."

"It may not sit well with the lazy curmudgeon segment of America." -- Thomas Dell, political law consultant

"That's a violation of my constitutionally protected rights to free speech," said Dirwin Owens. Owens directs a grass-roots organization – What a Waste, or WAW – dedicated to discouraging people from voting. "WAWers are only trying to draw attention to the mathematical insignificance of any one person's vote," defended Owens, "We still retain the right to voice our opinion about the current administration's policies. We haven't given up that right."

"He's right," admitted Attorney General John Ashcroft, "For the moment. But that may soon be changing. You may recall our nation's red face before the world when weeks after the most democratic nation in the world held a free election, no one knew who won? And you may further recall that the election was ultimately decided by a panel of judges? Mr. Owens and ingrates like him would like us to hold every election that way. I say, he's wrong. They're wrong. And that's why I've asked the FBI to investigate every case of complaining against our elected officials, to confirm the complaint is coming from a registered voter that cast a ballot in the most recent election. Unless that's the case, they can write me a check. Fines begin at $1,500."

Legal analysts say the Attorney General is on solid constitutional ground. "It may not sit well with the lazy curmudgeon segment of America, but there is no provision in the constitution to protect the speech of non-citizens," explained Thomas Dell, political law consultant, "And anytime the government wants to go to court and challenge the definition of citizen, arguing that it should by definition only include registered, active voters, they can do so with at least an even chance of making it stick."

"Well, I don't think it's right. Plain and simple," complained Owens.

"You just made the list, Buddy," quipped Ashcroft.
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