WASHINGTON, D.C. - In what legal analysts are warning will be quickly appealed, the Supreme Court has declared an early victory in the presidential race to independent Ralph Nader, the first independent candidate to take the office. "The popular and electoral votes are so evenly split in this race," explained Justice Antonin Scalia, speaking for the majority opinion, "That the constitutional phrase, 'a tie shall be ignored' must be brought to bear on the election. The founding fathers sought in their wisdom to prevent an election from polarizing the nation. We see no reason to disagree with their reasoning." In a 6-3 decision, the court has ruled that Bush and Kerry, having evenly split the electorate with 268 electoral votes each, has disqualified themselves on constitutional grounds.

"And we thought 'hanging chad' was nuts!" -- Disenchanted Voter

"And we thought 'hanging chad' was nuts! There's nine more things I'd like to hang!" said one man, listening to the election results broadcast over his worksite, "I voted for Kerry, 'cause it seems like he's got the middle-American viewpoint. My wife and I both work and we make a decent living between us. Bush didn't make me feel like I was even on his radar. But Nader? Did anybody vote for him? He seems like, well, sort of a loop."

"This will not stand," explained political legal analyst Cy Bluncket, "The constitutional provision alluded to by the Court is designed to prevent civil war, and is to be used when there is a very real possibility that citizens will take up arms against one another. It's not a 'tie-breaker' clause, it's a release valve. And it most certainly doesn't apply here."

"We're going to talk it through, of course," said Bush advisor Karen Hughes, "But who do you appeal a Supreme Court decision to? And where did this come from? The results are just barely in!"

"President Nader himself raised the issue with the Court," admitted Nader legal counsel Monica Flowers, "He saw that the electorate was very evenly split, so he raised the issue weeks ago in a 'Dura lex, sed lex' brief. The essential point is that the constitution allows for handing the election to a third party when the top two contenders so evenly divide the nation as to risk a schism. President Nader did not want to see that happen. That is the sort of leadership we will all enjoy under the Nader administration."

World leaders -- the majority of whom hoped for a Kerry win -- have been quick to criticize the action. "What sort of example of democracy can the United States now claim to be?" demanded French President Jacques Chirac, speaking to the French parliament, "Their last two so-called elections have been decided by a panel of judges! America is the unrepentant prodigal son, and the inheritance has nearly run out. Come home, America, while you still can."
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