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Injecting Deadly, Deadly Poison Unwise, Doctors Say
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CLEVELAND, Ohio - Physicians with the Cleveland Clinic have released a paper detailing the "idiocy of a vain public" and asking people to "please, please, think before allowing deadly, deadly poisons to be injected into" their bodies. The paper will be published in their own journal and is under review for inclusion in the Journal of the American Medical Association. "It's probably not what you would call ground-breaking," admitted Dr. Catherine D. DeAngelis, JAMA editor-in-chief, "But it is certainly timely. With Botox injections coming under scrutiny, and people on the fringes whispering about extracts of bubonic plague and cholera being used to stave off graying hair, it seems the public might be due for a reminder about what poison is all about."

"There's always a nay-sayer," replied Dr. Lance M. Goode, of the Botoxarama Bargain Barn and Clinic, "But Botox is a proven technology now. There have been hundreds of thousands of uses with only a few complications. More people die from lightning strikes each year than from Botox treatments, but you don't hear the complainers trying to get lightning outlawed!"

"This paper isn't about 'Botox'," said Dr. Brian Newberry, the paper's lead author, "It's about patients making good, sound medical choices for themselves. It's about paying attention to overriding principles rather than getting caught up in one-time exceptions. We aren't targeting one poison, we're saying it's a mistake to undergo any elective treatment that has poison as its starting point."

If patients don't dial back their enthusiasm for 'poison treatments', despite the advice of Dr. Newberry and his colleagues, insurance companies may dial it back for them. "Of course, we have never paid for elective surgery or treatments of any kind," explained Samantha Kitt, of American Health Ensurer, "But current policy does have us paying for any complications. Inject a little Botox, that's on your nickel. Have a reaction to it that lands you in the hospital for a month, we get stuck with that one. That is going to change." According to papers filed with the State of California, AHE and a consortium of other health insurance providers are moving to have complications from elective procedures removed from the list of covered services. If they succeed, the potential financial trauma may prevent people from making a medical choice that only physical pain and possible death could not.

"Anything that encourages people to make better medical choices is ok by me," said Dr. Newberry.
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