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Reindeer Ban Causes Severe Splenda Shortage
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MCINTOSH, Alabama - Dieters hailed the sucralose-based sweetener Splenda as their salvation in a world dominated by the sweet and the fatty. "Before Splenda, I could feel the pounds globbing onto my thighs as I drank my coffee with eight sugars," bewailed Monica Savaste, "But now I feel great. I haven't actually lost any weight, per se, but I feel much better." Savaste and others like her face increasing prices this coming year, due to many states forbidding interstate reindeer travel. "Without a good supply of reindeer sucralary glands, we simply will not be able to meet the public's demands for Splenda," said one Tate & Lyle official, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Sucralose -- a sugar-like molecule derived from dried, powdered reindeer sucralary glands -- is the primary ingredient in the popular sweetener. "It's not simply a packaging and brand name for a harvested organ," explained a technician with Grandular Laboratories, "They have a patented process for refining the glands into a substance that is 600 times sweeter than sugar, with virtually no calories in a typical serving. And because it's organic, it cooks like real sugar. 'Processed Reindeer Glanda' wouldn't have been a good trade name, however."

The gland shortage has brought the sweetener's raw materials under scrutiny by animal right's groups. Signs proclaiming "Save Rudolph!" and "I'd rather get fat than eat THAT!" were carried by protesters outside the Tate & Lyle offices Friday afternoon. But the public in general seems unconcerned. Typical was the reaction of one man, saying, "Well, I eat liver. And I've been known to eat pickled pig's feet. So a little reindeer ain't gonna hurt me none."

In answer to the shortage, Tate & Lyle announced their decision to open a plant in Singapore. "They have a critter called a Mousedeer, and let me tell you, those things have sucralary glands like you've never seen," explained Marvis Hodge, Senior Vice-President of Public Relations, "They're endangered, is the only problem. But we intend to work with local conservation groups to set up a refuge/farm/laboratory where the animals can be bred in captivity, then released. Once we get the population up -- a couple of years, tops -- we'll be exporting sucralose outta there like there's no tomorrow."
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