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Bin Laden Releases Christmas Recording
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NEW YORK, New York - RCA officials said Thursday they have a "high degree of confidence" that the voice on the new, 70-minute-long holiday audio tape is that of al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. "Osama has sent us material before, with unreasonable demands for royalties and expense reimbursement of course," said an unnamed RCA official, "We've never published any of his recordings, but we're always open to new talent." Reportedly the tape contains 15 renditions of familiar holiday songs.

"'Feliz Navidead' isn't likely to climb the holiday charts this year."
-- RCA Official
"This isn't your standard holiday fare," said one RCA representative who asked to remain anonymous, "'The Little Bomber Boy' isn't something you're likely to hear 'round any yule logs this Christmas. Nor are 'Mangle Bells', 'Soylent Night', or 'Feliz Navidead' likely to climb the holiday charts this year. I don't know what kick this guy gets outta sending us this stuff."

One sound bite released from the tape, to the tune of 'Winter Wonderland', says -- in English --
"While the struggle in Saudi Arabia is inter-nal,
"it is part of the struggle against the infer-nal
"So as long as to the mosque they don't go,
"Let 'em blow, let 'em blow, let 'em blow!"

CIA historical experts admit that the al Qaeda leader did sing professionally. "There was not much call for lounge singers in his native Jiddah, Saudi Arabia, so he looked for other work. He's been a painter, a carpenter, a religious leader. But his first love has always been singing," said the CIA's leading expert on the bin Laden family.

Terrorism expert Peter Bergen said the 10-day period between Christmas and the release of the tape is the shortest interval that he can recall between a holiday and an album release from bin Laden. "It indicates to me a certain degree of security," Bergen said on CNN's "Live Today", "He feels that he can release the tape now and it will be immediately published and on air waves in time for Christmas. I'm afraid he understands us even less than we understand him and his followers."

RCA has stated emphatically that it will not be making the contents of the tape available. "It has already been destroyed," said one official, "As will be the Easter compilation Mr. bin Laden will no doubt feel compelled to share with us."
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