HOLLYWOOD, California - "The massive dust cloud approaching the continental United States does not have the Sahara Desert as its source, as thought by meteorologists, but is instead the result of one man's personal journey out of obscurity," said Ronald Schultz. Schultz -- first cousin of the famous cartoonist Charles Schultz -- has represented the various Peanuts characters in negotiations and public appearances since the death of their creator. "Pigpen dropped out of the limelight shortly after Charles' death, partly to mourn, and partly to start over. Recast himself. It is apparent, though, that one cannot escape one's destiny." Schultz explained that Pigpen is on his private yacht, en route to his newly acquired retirement estate in Cape Coral, Florida leaving his French villa in the hands of fellow Peanuts alumnus Schroeder.

"He didn't bathe. Not then, and I seriously doubt now." -- Patricia 'Peppermint Patty' Reichardt

Never given a real name, Pigpen struggled after the cancellation of Peanuts to find a new voice. "He's a good guy, great range, very humble and easy to work with," said former Peanuts bit player Roy, "But this dust-cloud of his just left him type-cast as the 'kid that doesn't bathe'. There are not too many roles that fit that." After Roy's appearance in the strip in the 1960's, he became a spokesman for Roaring Brook Camp for Boys. "I suggested he try radio, but his heart just wasn't in it."

"He didn't bathe. Not then, and I seriously doubt now. He was a nice kid, as nice as Chuck. But nobody wants to spend any serious time around a dirty, smelly actor, it's as simple as that," stated Patricia 'Peppermint Patty' Reichardt, a major character in Peanuts since 1966. Reichardt's own career toppled after the series ended. A minor appearance on the adult cartoon "Family Guy" served only to further cement her in her role. "I don't mind, I don't live in the past," she said, "It's enough for me to tend to my garden and play baseball with my grandchildren. I'm happy. I hope Pigpen can find that happiness."

The people of Cape Coral, Florida are less concerned about Pigpen's happiness and more concerned about his cleanliness. "If this approaching dust cloud is any indication, I don't want him here," said one resident, "We came here to enjoy a comfortable, clean retirement. Let him ruin some other paradise!" Cape Coral's 100,000 residents apparently agree, having begun the process of collecting signatures in a grass roots effort to put a minimum cleanliness bill on the November ballot. If passed, Pigpen would be forced to clean up, or move out.

"My client has no comment on that," replied Schultz when asked about the situation, "But I can tell you that Pigpen has some vast wealth at his disposal. I don't think a little thing like public opinion is going to change his plans."
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