The Bentinel Logo Home | FAQ | Links | Book (New!) | Archive
Bending the truth to fit the facts!
-- Clean, family-friendly news satire and parody --




Book (New!)


RSS feed for The Bentinel

Let us send you an email when a new story is published! Enter your email address above and press Alert Me!
privacy policy

Did you know?
Source of Massive Dust Cloud Not Sahara Desert, Hollywood Agent Admits
(email to a friend)

HOLLYWOOD, California - "The massive dust cloud approaching the continental United States does not have the Sahara Desert as its source, as thought by meteorologists, but is instead the result of one man's personal journey out of obscurity," said Ronald Schultz. Schultz -- first cousin of the famous cartoonist Charles Schultz -- has represented the various Peanuts characters in negotiations and public appearances since the death of their creator. "Pigpen dropped out of the limelight shortly after Charles' death, partly to mourn, and partly to start over. Recast himself. It is apparent, though, that one cannot escape one's destiny." Schultz explained that Pigpen is on his private yacht, en route to his newly acquired retirement estate in Cape Coral, Florida leaving his French villa in the hands of fellow Peanuts alumnus Schroeder.

"He didn't bathe. Not then, and I seriously doubt now."
-- Patricia 'Peppermint Patty' Reichardt
Never given a real name, Pigpen struggled after the cancellation of Peanuts to find a new voice. "He's a good guy, great range, very humble and easy to work with," said former Peanuts bit player Roy, "But this dust-cloud of his just left him type-cast as the 'kid that doesn't bathe'. There are not too many roles that fit that." After Roy's appearance in the strip in the 1960's, he became a spokesman for Roaring Brook Camp for Boys. "I suggested he try radio, but his heart just wasn't in it."

"He didn't bathe. Not then, and I seriously doubt now. He was a nice kid, as nice as Chuck. But nobody wants to spend any serious time around a dirty, smelly actor, it's as simple as that," stated Patricia 'Peppermint Patty' Reichardt, a major character in Peanuts since 1966. Reichardt's own career toppled after the series ended. A minor appearance on the adult cartoon "Family Guy" served only to further cement her in her role. "I don't mind, I don't live in the past," she said, "It's enough for me to tend to my garden and play baseball with my grandchildren. I'm happy. I hope Pigpen can find that happiness."

The people of Cape Coral, Florida are less concerned about Pigpen's happiness and more concerned about his cleanliness. "If this approaching dust cloud is any indication, I don't want him here," said one resident, "We came here to enjoy a comfortable, clean retirement. Let him ruin some other paradise!" Cape Coral's 100,000 residents apparently agree, having begun the process of collecting signatures in a grass roots effort to put a minimum cleanliness bill on the November ballot. If passed, Pigpen would be forced to clean up, or move out.

"My client has no comment on that," replied Schultz when asked about the situation, "But I can tell you that Pigpen has some vast wealth at his disposal. I don't think a little thing like public opinion is going to change his plans."
(email to a friend)


Looking for the best web site in the whole world? Look no further than! Loonwatch Islamophobia Ilisha, a site exposing the lies about Islam and Muslims. Do you think you have a Russian Girlfriend? Think again! Are you looking for a family portrait or wedding photographer in Dallas, Texas? Images by Andi is here for you! Looking for gently-used, cheap, tax-free cigarettes? They're available here. In the market for Weber Grills? This site has 'em. Are you addicted to sugar? Then you could use Self-Help for Sugar Addiction. Like movies? Check out these Movie Trailers. Down on your luck? Perhaps you'll need some Prescription Drugs Online. If that doesn't help, maybe you'll just stay home and Download movies. With the money you save on popcorn, you can play at this online casino . If you're driven into Drug Abuse, this site has the answer. Like jokes? Visit The Joke Teller Web Site! Like games or programs? Go to Josef's site!

Copyright 2003-2004, The Bentinel (, All Rights Reserved