The Bentinel Logo Home | FAQ | Links | Book (New!) | Archive
Bending the truth to fit the facts!
-- Clean, family-friendly news satire and parody --




Book (New!)


RSS feed for The Bentinel

Let us send you an email when a new story is published! Enter your email address above and press Alert Me!
privacy policy

Did you know?
Talladega Superspeedway to Eliminate Restrictor Plates, Introduce Speed Bumps
(email to a friend)

TALLADEGA, Alabama - Restrictor plates -- introduced to auto racing in 1988 -- have long been derided as doing more harm than good. The perforated aluminum plates are installed in the engine to limit the fuel intake, reducing horsepower and top speed. While they do accomplish this, it's argued that the artificial top speed results in "packing" vehicles, meaning that an error by one driver can result in multi-car accidents. "That's just the sort of thing we're trying to address here," said Talladega President Link Grant, Jr., "We think the answer lies not in attacking the hardware as with the plates, but in giving the drivers themselves a reason to slow down. When we realized that, the answer was obvious -- speed bumps."

"My first reaction? This is a stupid idea."
-- NASCAR CEO Brian France
"Racing isn't a safe activity," admitted NASCAR CEO Brian France, "Nobody wants it to be safe more than those of us involved. But it isn't, and we accept that. Rules, plates, SAFER barriers, these all contribute. And I support any innovative suggestions for keeping our drivers on the track and out of the hospital." But on the specific idea of installing speed bumps on the raceway, France said, "I have to say, this one blind-sided me. My first reaction? This is a stupid idea."

Plans call for a five-inch high, 10 inch wide speed bump to be installed at various points around the track. "We brought in computer analysts to help study race footage, calculate likely points of excessive speed, and what it would take to safely reduce that speed," explained Grant, "The four speed bumps will be optimally placed to allow for high speed action where it's safe, and to force the drivers down to a more reasonable speed when it isn't."

Last year's Talladega winner, Michael Waltrip, is also uncomfortable with the proposition. "Driving a plate-track is a different experience. It's not as natural feeling as when you're wide-open. But either way, you don't feel like the track is against you. I expect to climb a few bumps in a Wal-Mart parking lot, but I don't want to try to scream over one at 150 miles an hour!"

"Let me be clear, we are past the planning stages here," warned Grant, "The bumps are going in for the upcoming UAW-Ford 500 race in October. And I actually do hope that Mr. Waltrip doesn't 'scream over them'. That is, after all, the whole idea."
(email to a friend)


Looking for the best web site in the whole world? Look no further than! Loonwatch Islamophobia Ilisha, a site exposing the lies about Islam and Muslims. Do you think you have a Russian Girlfriend? Think again! Are you looking for a family portrait or wedding photographer in Dallas, Texas? Images by Andi is here for you! Looking for gently-used, cheap, tax-free cigarettes? They're available here. In the market for Weber Grills? This site has 'em. Are you addicted to sugar? Then you could use Self-Help for Sugar Addiction. Like movies? Check out these Movie Trailers. Down on your luck? Perhaps you'll need some Prescription Drugs Online. If that doesn't help, maybe you'll just stay home and Download movies. With the money you save on popcorn, you can play at this online casino . If you're driven into Drug Abuse, this site has the answer. Like jokes? Visit The Joke Teller Web Site! Like games or programs? Go to Josef's site!

Copyright 2003-2004, The Bentinel (, All Rights Reserved