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Millions of Computers Ruined By Microsoft WMF Patch
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REDMOND, Washington - Computer owners hungrily downloaded the latest patch to the Windows operating system made available Thursday on Microsoft's web site. Before many of them could be warned, the patch succeeded in erasing the majority of their hard drive, rendering the machines unusable. "I did it to keep my machine working," complained one user, "I just did what they said. And now it won't even shoe in, or whatever it's called."

"Somebody at Microsoft screwed up, is what happened."
-- Hank Rarebit, independant IT consultant
Early investigation reveals that the "patch" is actually a simple command file called a "batch file". Batch files use an older scripting language, harkening back to the days of the earliest MS-DOS systems. "Somebody at Microsoft screwed up, is what happened," said Hank Rarebit, an independant IT consultant, "Somebody switched out the patch with this little three-liner. Before a user knows what's happenin', it's already happened."

Microsoft officials would not comment on the apparent file switch, but the patch has been removed from their site and a message warns users not to install the patch if previously downloaded. Ryan Brack, a Microsoft insider said, on condition of anonymity, that Zachary Jobs is responsible for posting patches to the web and if a switch occurred, "it must have gone through his hands." Jobs is a second cousin of Apple Computer founder Steve Jobs.

With millions of computers now offline, people are rushing to purchase new ones. "We sold out of our stock hours ago," said one Circuit City salesman, "And that's unusual since most people think our computers aren't very good." Analysts predict the boom in computer sales will boost Microsoft's profits by 21% for the quarter. "And of course, Apple stands to do well, too," explained Terry Rich of TheStreet.com, "People who just saw Microsoft destroy their machines are people more likely to be first time iMac buyers."
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