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Ball Tragedy Injures Few, Kills None
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TIMES SQUARE, New York - Excitement was high in Times Square as the ball began its descent. But excitement turned to horror as the ball broke loose from its moorings mere seconds before its scheduled touchdown and dropped toward the crowd in freefall. "It was like the whole of 2005 was dropping on top of me!" exclaimed one startled reveler. "I've been over the script a dozen times," said a startled Regis Philbin, "And I'm sure this was not on it!"

Fortunately, no one was killed as the 1,000 pound ball tumbled to the ground, shattering into millions of shimmering pieces. Amazingly, no one was seriously injured. "I thought it was part of the show," said one astounded observer, "I didn't realize it was an accident until just now. Wow, I don't know what to say. Happy New Year!"

The ball drop has been a part of the New Year's tradition in Times Sqaure since 1907. No time since then has seen an incident like this. "I was sure this was it," said one drunken partier, "But it sort of rolled over us and kept going. This is surely one New Year's I'll never forget!"

Doctors disagree. "I would venture to guess that few will remember this event. I think it's likely the saving balm of this tragedy was in fact, alcohol," said Dr. Maurice Killmore, "Since it tends to relax an individual. For the same reason that drunk drivers often survive their accident, so too the drunken revelers survived this incident because they were simply unable to tense up and thereby break the bones that protect their major organs. Thank God for alcohol, I suppose."

While it can't be said with certainty that God's hand was on the festivities, rife though they are with Pagan tradition, we can all be thankful that 2006 was ushered in with a less-than-catastrophic bang.
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